I've been skydiving for the past 4 years.

Since coming to Idaho my life has seemed to become so simple. I enjoy every sunset. I read books. I eat food. I spend time with people (not as much as I should). I walk around the greenbelt. I have time to sit still. I can do nothing if I want. And for the first time since... who knows how long..I haven't worried about anything. I can honestly say I have no stress. And it is WONDERFUL!

I feel like my life is a skydiving trip:
Going through school was the ride up 13,000 feet. When I first took off, I didn't really think that the plane ride would ever end, that maybe I would be ready to jump out of the plane while going up, eventually. The closer I got to the actual drop, the more nervous I started to feel. The anticipation of graduation was exciting and terrifying. School is easy, there is a goal and you know it's going to end, someday. That day came. I jumped out of the plane with my parachute whether I was ready or not. I knew that once I got on that plane, I would have to jump out but I don't think I ever expected it to come so fast. The first few seconds of free falling was horrible. I went from sitting still, comfortable, to feeling sick, my stomach in my throat, I felt sure I was going to throw-up right then and there. I almost couldn't handle such a big change in scenery, in surroundings, in atmosphere, in life. It only took a few seconds to get used to it. I still get motion sickness sometimes (especially lately..I think it has something to do with the concussion I got a few weeks ago) when I think about having to land somewhere. But when I live in the exact second, not looking ahead or behind, nothing can take the calming feeling away from me. I'm just enjoying the ride. I know that I have to land somewhere eventually, but I'd rather live in a naive, blissful state while I can because I know that there won’t ever be another time in my life exactly like right now. I'm going to enjoy every second I can, suspended in the middle of what I've always known and what's going to surprise me no matter what happens.

You know what; I'm ready for anything that life has to throw at me. I've always said that I can be happy anywhere. I'm happy in Idaho right now. I'm happy when I go to work. I'm happy when I go home and play. I'm happy when I go to Salt Lake and visit friends and family. I'm happy when I go back to Southern Utah to see friends and family. I'm happy because I can be, because I choose to be. I don't know what my Heavenly Father has planned for me but I'm confident that it's the best plan. Whatever he decides to give me, I'll take it, and I’ll run with it. And I'll be happy. I hope I have faith enough to live up to his expectations.


I feel like the song "The Show" by Lenka
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xI8Ysr1BgmQ&feature=search

my fake reality

I have a terrible problem with distinguishing my dreams from reality. I have always had this issue it's just never been brought to the forefront of my attention until my roommates started pointing out that about half of my stories end with, "hmm, maybe that was a dream." I think it started when I was telling them about the creepy neighbors that lived down the street from us in Wisconsin and how their house always looked dark and the one time I was riding my bike when one of them started chasing me so I rode as fast as I could up the hill to our house, threw my bike on the lawn and went inside and locked the door. I still to this day, am unsure whether or not it’s true or not. So that one could be vetoed. There is countless other evidence from my childhood:

I did all my chores the best and was rewarded with going on a daddy-daughter date; we headed over to the new mall that had recently been finished to eat dinner. We went inside and I saw a GIANT ROLLER COASTER inside the mall!! I knew I had to ride it; and dad said we could do whatever I wanted that night so I knew it was in the bag! I wanted to go even before we ate dinner, but dad said we had to eat before we could go one the roller coaster.

I was genuinely excited when relaying this story back to my roommates. My roommates looked at me quizzically and I began to doubt. My dreams were shattered. I realized that the new mall was actually Park Meadows and I'm pretty sure that the roller coaster would still be there today if they had put it in when they first built it and I think it is now a food court. It’s really disappointing just to see my childhood memories crushed like a leaf... it makes me wonder what else wasn't real from what I remember of my childhood.

Now that I am getting better at remembering my dreams this happens a lot more often now:

I was exploring all the things that Cedar City has to offer upon which includes Jolley's Ranchwear my roommates came with me and we were playing and trying on hats and cowgirl boots in various colors and styles. We were the only ones in the store because I assume that they receive limited business in save the VIP customers so they were glaring at us but they never said anything. We eventually left without buying anything and we were completely satisfied.

So I really was in Jolley's Ranchwear yesterday, I had to drop off a few of the paint the town red card things...and as soon as I stepped in the door I had déjà vu. I stopped and stood there for a second trying to analyze whether I had actually been there before and the scene above played in my head. It was then that I had an inkling that maybe I really hadn’t gone into Jolley's Ranchwear with my roommates and that had ALSO been a dream. I got home and asked Emily if she ever came with me to Jolley's Ranchwear. She looked at me again, as she always does when I propose one of my dreams to her, and I bent my head in shame--not again, not again.

If I've told you a story and you think it's really a dream, you should post it on here cause I want to make a list of all of them.

Stress in my life

I get very stressed out about really mundane and irrelevant things. Its very strange, and they usually only last for a very small amount of time, I don't get over it, it just ends fer example: getting things out of vending machines. I am utterly terrified to buy things in the event that I either type in the wrong code and get the wrong thing, or i type in the right code and STILL get the wrong thing. Its something that plagues me everytime I attempt to get anything from a vending machine, which is why i typically avoid them most of the time. I dont know where this fear has stemmed from because I dont recall ever getting the wrong thing, but the fact that they do have those terrible cheese crackers with peanut butter in the middle that have been in there for probalby months on end is terrifying on the off chance that I might have to be in possession of them and eat them because i counted out all my pennies to get them.

Something that also terrifies me, and I feel I have legitimate reason to fear is those visual word verification things. I always struggle with them on the internet. It's one of the hardest, most stressful things. The whole pick a password, and username... nothing, I'm pro. But the stupid verification thing i ALWAYS get either the "The characters you entered didn't match the word verification. Please try again." or "Enter the letters as they are shown in the image." messages! As if I didn't see the letters in the first place. Maybe the fact that I usually get them wrong adds to my stress. And I never know if I am going to get kicked off for trying too many times. Because of it I always debate whether to click the handicap button. I dont think that would be any better, and I feel like I shouldn't need to use it because I'm not really sure who it would be used for. The first thing that comes to mind would be blind people that can't see the letters to type so they verbalize them, but I'm not sure how a blind person would be able to use a computer in the first place. Maybe I should use the handicap button and I could feel much more confident in visual word verification abilities. Perhaps it would help me overcome my weakness as well. Maybe my world will open up if I'm not worrying about verifying everything.